I’m a walking contradiction. 

I’m ready to be better. 

Suddenly, I’ve woken up, and its already been 7 months. Seven months since my dad has passed, which resulted in my whole life crumbling to pieces. 

My once strong, firm, and secure faith was shaken. And through that core piece of my identity being jolted, the one thing I ran to, started to become something that I ran from. I was afraid that this suffering would cause me to not believe in God’s goodness any longer. Afraid that this would cause me to believe that God wasn’t who He said he was. 

I’ve processed through that over these past few months, and I think that I’m okay now. I think that I’m starting to understand that pain and God can coexist. That suffering does not show that there is no God, but rather points to the very reason why we need a God.

And now, I’m here. Caught in the in between. Between depression and hope. Between unmotivated and inspired. It’s a really strange place to be.  All of this constant tension of where I want to be and where I’m actually at. Recently, I’ve been feeling like a walking contradiction. 

As I’m lying here, thinking about who I want to be in this new year, the only word that comes to mind is:

Better. 

I want to be better. 

I want to serve the Lord better. I want to love people better. I want to understand who God is better. I want to challenge myself and push myself to be better. 

Yet, here I stay. Making all of these empty commitments of who I want to be. Not following through, but seeing them slip through my fingers as though they were sand. And I’m sick and tired of it. 

I’m tired of sitting here acting like I can’t push myself harder. I’m sick of making excuses for my lousy use of time. I’m sick of dreaming and hoping instead of bucking up and doing. 

I don’t just want to be better. 

I’m going to be better.