Deny, Deny, Deny.
You never realize when you’re in denial. You never acknowledge the problem; you simply act as if it is not real.
Alcoholism is the most prominent theme in my story, and I have definitely been denying it. Too hurtful to think that those who were suppose to love me most have actually hurt me the most. Too painful to think that they should’ve been there when they weren’t. Too gut-wrenching to think that I wouldn’t be so broken if they just didn’t drink.
Why me / why was I given the cards of two alcoholic parents / why was I given the family that I wouldn’t even give the title family to / why was I abandoned
You did this to me / you are the very reason why my self-esteem is so low / you are the very reason why I feel like I am never enough / you never even gave me a second thought / it’s all about you, mom / it’s all about you, dad / sorry that i’ve become such an interruption in your lives
Am I never enough / would this not happen if i was better / if i wasnt such a problem / if i wasnt such a burden / if i was more
It’s my fault that my mom started drinking / she never would have drank if he didn’t leave / he wouldn’t have left if she didn’t have me / am i the beginning of this miserable journey that they have begun
I am different from them / this does not have an effect on me / i have conquered this demon of alcohol / it doesn’t effect me anymore
I was lying / it effects every part of myself / it wasn’t until now that I even realized it though…
When will it’s hand deliver me from this mess that I have made my bed in?